Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) # 5
NLP # 5 Tactical Empathy/Making Connections
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Tactical Empathy. The art of understanding emotional connections with yourself & the other.
Video: https://youtu.be/mv2Pw9ZurAI
Transcript:
https://app.podscribe.ai/episode/50192980
Speaker 0 (0s): Well, well, well look, who's back. You guys came back, you know, they, they say, if you love something, you should set it free. And if it comes back to you, it was meant to be, I guess this is meant to be my friends. You know, we're going to do today. We're going to do a little in LP. Number five in L P number five, neuro linguistic programming NLP.
I am hopeful that you had a beautiful morning. I'm hopeful, something beautiful happened to you. I'm hopeful that you will find some beauty in the words we are about to get into. I'm hopeful that you will find a lesson buried in the testimony of this lecture. Do you guys have a good weekend? Do you have a good day? Good morning. I hope so. I want to start off with a quick story about something I did this weekend.
That was incredibly unexpected. It's not so much. The event I did was unexpected. It was more about what I saw during the event. So here in Hawaii, we are on lockdown. Like the majority of the places. However, there are some things you can do. One of the things you can do is you can go to the beach. However, you can not sit on the beach. That means you can do an activity in the water.
You'd go surf, wind surf, boating, swimming, snorkeling. I chose to take my beautiful daughter to do some snorkeling at one of the local beaches. It was a beautiful day. I'm always hopeful when we go snorkeling that we're first off going to see fish. Second off that we will see different kinds of fish.
Lastly, I'm hopeful. We will see something that we've never seen before. This was one of those trips, parked the truck, put our gear in the bag, walked down to the beach, put on our snorkels, grab the fins, dive into the water. I'm sure most of you can close your eyes and imagine what the water in Hawaii looks like.
Speaker 1 (3m 0s): Think of any tropical area. And it's this crystal blue water. Some spots are more green than others. And there is a reflection of Silver streaks that run the length of the water. Almost like liquid lightning penetrating through the depths of the ocean as my daughter and I are swimming.
We're making our way out towards some of the reef. And there's lots of colorful fish, Yellow and black, and some spotted orange fish, big ones, small ones, round ones, polka dotted ones. And as we're swimming, when you dive down somewhat, or when you're, at least your ears are below the waterline, it's almost like you're in an alien universe.
You're seeing the landscape that you don't normally see. It's foreign. It's almost alien hope I'm doing a good job of describing this. Cause what I see, what I saw next was mind blowing. So we're making our way through the water. And we come upon a, a rather large rift between two parts of the reef.
The part we are swimming in on the reef is 15 to 20 feet. And then as you swim a little further, it drops down to like 30 feet and it's kind of black. You can't really see the bottom. It's like a, a little think of a small Canyon where you're on top of the water. And you're looking down into the depths of the Canyon. And as we're swimming, I looked to the right and I, I see a figure and it's, I know that there's other snorkelers out there.
However, as I look to the right, I see what appears to be a woman swimming up from the depths of the Canyon. And as I focus in, I realized that it is a woman and it's almost like she just appeared from the depths of this Canyon. And I, I totally attendant my total attention is upon her. And as I, I see her swimming up, I noticed that she's swimming towards a man who is swimming down.
The woman is 15 to 20 feet down and she is swimming up and she has no snorkel. She has no fins. She's in this white garb. She looks like a, a manifestation of a princess of a underwater kingdom. And while this happened quickly, it seemed like it happened.
It was seemed like it was in slow motion. So I'm watching this woman with long flowing hair in this white semi dress swim up and she's meeting. And as I see her swimming up, she reaches out and embraces this man who is swimming down and they class pans and they're drawn together and they kiss each other.
Speaker 3 (6m 49s): It was
Speaker 1 (6m 51s): Mindblowing. As I replay the scene in my mind, it seems like something out of a movie.
Speaker 3 (7m 2s): And
Speaker 1 (7m 4s): So I, well, I had a camera like I have it on camera. I I'll, I'll put a link in the, I'll put a link in the show notes. You guys should all check it out. It's fascinating. And so I, I bring my camera over and I got the majority of it on camera. And then I, I come up, my daughter and I both swim somewhat to the top. We were somewhat on the surface cause we were snorkeling. And then I noticed the two, the couple come up out of the water and I immediately pull off, rip off my snorkel, my glasses I'm like, that is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
You should have someone take a picture of that. And as I'm saying that, I realize that they did have someone taken a picture of it behind in the Canyon. There was a scuba diver and he was filming them, take that scene. And then I realized this was a couple, maybe getting their wedding photos, but it was such a mind blowing picture.
I was, it was mesmerizing. I hope I did a good job explaining that. I hope you take a moment to go into the notes and watch it. Cause it is magnificent. So yeah, that was my beginning story of my weekend. I hope you enjoyed that one there. You're probably thinking, yeah, this is supposed to be neuro linguistic programming. George, not the S not the whole, Hey, listen to my weekend. Who liquid? I did. Sorry about that.
I hope you found it enjoyable. I know I did. And it was awesome. So if you ever, if you're getting ready to get married or if you want a cool, you should think about doing that scene. Awesome. Okay. Let us begin on the Proverbs thought and action thinking everyone who succeeds must first dream. So remember that your head is not just there for a hat and that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail at the very least, don't go out of your depth before you can swim.
Because if you know the road, you can ride full trot. And if you can't then ask those coming back for the best way forward it person in a hurry, arrives late or as slow and steady wins the race. So first catch your hair because once you know how to know and to act are the same, that's why practice makes perfect and repetition is the mother of memory. And also why a pleasant thought never comes too soon.
So be aware that a tree only moves if there's wind and a watched pot, never boils, which is why you don't call a dog with a whip in your hand. And a big goat does not sneeze without a reason. Deciding some say that the world is conquered with words, not swords though. This is easier said than done for fine words. Don't put porridge in the pot.
Of course thought is free. And anything that releases you from a dilemma is useful, but remember, that's easier to think than to act and you don't get anywhere by running in your mind. Nevertheless, the mind is powerful work doesn't kill, but worry does. And if you think something impossible, it will be just as if the heart is unwilling. It will make a thousand excuses.
That's why, where there's a will. There's a way. And what isn't can yet be done for you already have all, you need to become great above all, always try to do onto others as you would have them do unto you and never say never of course, smooth hands love the labor of others. And the coward will always say, when in doubt, don't for no choice is also a choice, but even if the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Generally elbow grease is the best Polish action. A Rocky field demands a pickaxe, not a prayer. So never put off tomorrow. What you can do today. And even if the eyes fear, the hands will do the work. Of course, Lee said soon as men did and actions speak louder than words. So it's mostly better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightening in the hand for when you grasp a nettle, like a lad of metal, as soft as silk, it will remain in the same spirit, put your best foot forward aim to be the master of your will and the slave of your conscious.
And if your destiny doesn't fit, then fit yourself to your destiny. All actions have reactions. So practice what you preach. And remember that if brag is a good dog, hold fast is better above all act, honestly, and speak boldly, tread gently on the ground and leave it as found. If you're in a hole, stop digging. That is such good advice. I really like those hope you guys do as well.
All right, my friends let's go ahead and jump right in here to the next NLP. I think we shall call this. I kind of like tactical empathy, kind of like that, but we might go with something a little bit more conventional Navy. You know what? Let's just do tactical empathy. Why not? I like it sounds nice.
That was a term originally created by Chris Voss in the book. Never split the difference. Great book, by the way, this chapter is going to be about making connections with yourself and others. The ramifications of that, some techniques to do it, it'd be a story or two we're going to get into the key points is always, we're going to define them and use them in a offensive posture, in a defensive posture let's get started.
So what is making comfortable connections? What is tactical empathy? Well in this era of every evolving technology experts say, we communicate more than ever before because we can so easily connect to information to other people and to places all over the world. Others say that these instantaneous fleeting touches don't really satisfy our need for human connection. And some educators and business leaders fear that our reliance on electronic technologies will limit our ability to communicate and connect in face to face situations.
No, I heard a story once that was a religious figure and he was speaking to a group and he said something that was really interesting. What he said is that there's more people on the planet today than there's ever been the ability via the internet to reach out and touch or contact, or have a conversation with people all around you is almost limitless.
However, the number one thing plaguing, the number one mental illness plaguing our society today is loneliness. Interesting to think about, right? Key idea. Number one, we all process experience in a similar way. Yeah, because our experiences are different. We create different inner worlds, different maps of how the world works.
I was thinking of a good way to truly explain this to you. And I think we can do it with a passage from Ecclesiastes to CS. So I'm going to read it to you. And as I read it to you, I want you to think if you've had one of these times, if you are currently in one of these times and how you move between these times a time for everything, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven, it time to be born and a time to die, time to plant and a time to uproot a time to kill and a time to heal a time to tear down and a time to build a time to weep a time to laugh at time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them a time to embrace and a time to refrain a time to search and a time to give up a time to keep and a time to throw away a time to tear and a time to mend a time to be silent and a time to speak a time to love and a time to hate a time for war and a time for peace.
I want you to think of that as your map, as you go through life, you will be in all of those times. You'll spend more in some time, some of those times and other times everyone's going to be a little different. However, if you're aware of where you are, if you look at that particular poem, as a map, you can see where you are in your own emotions. And if you get really good, you can see how you move between those emotions.
And you can probably establish a pattern. Maybe you go from a time to tear down to a time to speak, or maybe you go from a time to love to a time to dance a time to refrain. If you pay attention, you'll be able to find your pattern. And once you do that, you'll be better able to understand your thought patterns. That will be the actual defensive posture is understanding the map that you have.
It's going to help you connect to yourself. Once you can do that, you can connect better to other people and authentic pattern would be to know how you move between those patterns and apply that to other people. Once you notice how you, what time you're in and how you move between those times, you can help other people maybe move through when they're perhaps, you know, someone you love who is in a time to tear down or they're in a time to weep.
You can remember what it was that allowed you to move from a time to weep, to a time to laugh, or from a time to tear down to a time to build. That would be the offensive posture. Next key point, being the way each of us is, is a choice. We can always choose to rewire ourselves, strengthening a quality we already have or modeling one from someone who has a quality we admire.
And if we don't like a change we made, we can change it again and make it better.
Speaker 3 (19m 48s): It's important to note that
Speaker 1 (19m 51s): At times we're overwhelmed by emotions, but you can choose to embrace and stay in that emotion where you can choose to embrace that emotion for a moment and move on.
Speaker 3 (20m 7s): Just knowing
Speaker 1 (20m 10s): That what emotion you're feeling is a choice, knowing that you're in control of your emotions, that's going to help you have a better relationship with yourself. A better connection with yourself. A good way to think of this gin, Yourself as a King or a queen. And you're sitting in your throne room. And as you're sitting in your throne, there's a long line of people, a long line of the people who were your people that you govern your citizens.
And this line is wrapped all the way out, your beautiful throne room on your red carpet, all the way out the door. And each person is waiting to speak to you. Do you have that envisioned? So you're sitting there and your grant and your gown or your, your King's robe. And there's this long line of subjects waiting just to get your attention and talk to you. Okay? And that particular metaphor you, the King or the queen are the decider.
And all those people lined up are your thoughts. And they're jumping up and down and waving their arms like, Hey, look at me. Hey, pay attention to me. I'm over here. I'm over here. And your job as the King, the queen or the decider is to bring them up one by one, give them a big hug. Think about it for a second, and then send them on their way. Give them a little bit of attention and then send them on their way. You don't need to embrace all of them for a long period of time.
You just need to embrace them for a moment Aside, whether this is something you're going to spend a lot of time with, or a little bit of time with you decide what thoughts you let in. You decide which ones to embrace. It's your choice. That is how your, you can always choose to rewire yourself by choosing which thoughts to embrace by choosing which person you're going to allow in to the realm of the decider.
That is the defensive posture. The offensive posture is knowing that the decision other people make as a choice. This is a relatively easy one on offense. All you really have to do is in a conversation with someone else who's feeling bad or feeling upset or feeling poorly about themselves. All you really have to do is explain to them, listen, this is a choice. You don't have to feel that way.
You're choosing what you focus on is what you feel. And right now you're focusing on these negative things that you're going to feel negative. One way to snap people out of that on the offense is just ask, is that true? Is that true? What would it, what would have to happen for that to be true? And you can usually get people to understand that they're making a choice to feel the way they feel, and that's usually enough to snap them out. So that would be the offensive posture.
Next key point, getting feedback from other people about what they'd like us to keep doing, stop doing, and start doing, offers us helpful insights that may enable us to improve our interactions and relationships. This is a critical one, and it can be difficult. It's difficult to hear the truth about yourself sometimes,
Speaker 3 (24m 11s): But it's imperative to do so.
Speaker 1 (24m 15s): If you have someone that you truly care about in your life, you should truly care about their opinion of you. And if they truly care about you, they'll give you an honest opinion and you can work on that honest opinion. It'll make you a better person on the defensive posture, talking to someone whom you love and getting an honest opinion of where you're at, what you're doing, that people like, what you're doing, that people don't like. It gives you an honest idea of where you're at in your relationship on a defensive posture.
If you can find out what it is that some people like about you and what some people don't like about, you you'll know how to better apply those two situations to conversations you're having with that person. Now it'd be the offensive posture. All right, next key point, shifting between the three perceptual positions as appropriate can increase one's effectiveness, it's best practice to operate from first position.
So we know what we see and feel. Then we can briefly visit second position to try on something from someone else's point of view or go to third position to get more complete and objective information. So I'd like to just briefly go over what each one of those positions are. The first position. First position is where you're in your own body. You see everything through your eyes and you know exactly how you feel, you know, what you want.
And that's a position of great authenticity. It can also be a kind of infantile position after all. It's the perceptual position we had when we were babies, right? At that point, we really knew what we wanted. I'm hungry, I'm cold, I'm wet. That's all we knew then. And we yelled until we got it addressed. You probably know some adults who still operate like this. When people get stuck in first position, we described them as narcissistic or immature in NLP.
Some people also refer to this position as self. The second position. Second is that position where you're very in tune to the other person. You feel someone else's pain. If you're in second position, you might get someone, a glass of water before they even know they're thirsty. It's a position of great solicitation and understanding of others. When we go too far with second position, we tend to be overdependent.
And that's often referred to as codependency in NLP. Some people refer to this position as the other, just think about like an overwhelming feeling of empathy, almost to a fault, actually thinking from that persons not only point of view, but as if you were the other person, third position in NLP, the third position is often called the observer position.
That's when you're outside a situation and you just sort of record what's happening. You see what's going on, completely separate from yourself. Like an objective reporter might, it's a position where you can evaluate yourself and options. Scientists, for instance, frequently operate from third position as do surgeons, engineers, and professional performers. People who work in these professions benefit from stepping outside themselves to judge what's going on.
And because there's not a lot of emotion in third position, they can effectively determine what's working. And what changes might be helpful. There is a drawback though, if someone gets stuck in third position, they're sort of habitually detached and people feel like they can't ever really connect with them. Again, the goal is to take advantage of these different options. So you want to try and run through all three of these positions.
This is going to be the defensive posture. When you find yourself in a critical situation, obviously the first thing you're probably going to think from his first position, how you feel. And then secondly, try and be trained. Use a little bit of empathy act as if you were thinking from the other position person's position, which is positioned to, and that'll give you some insight into what you can do to react to that person, how they're feeling, however, before making your final decision, try to go to third position and look at it from an objective outside.
If you can quickly run through first, second and third position, whenever making a critical decision, you're going to be able to better solve problems and have a better understanding of the actual situation.
Speaker 0 (29m 39s): This particular key point is when you're really going to want to work on, and you're going to find strengths and weaknesses for the offensive position and the defensive position in first person, second person in third person views. It's gonna affect each one a little bit differently, depending on the situation you're in. And it's going to take a little bit of experimentation to find out how you best use those positions. So I'll leave it to you to do some experimentation and find out what's best for you on offense and defense for this particular key point.
All right, next key point, brain generalizations or filters. Our initial impressions are gathered in a process called G G N E E. And this is, this is what we immediately notice. Someone's gender generation, nationality, educational level, and emotions. So that's a quickly go through those a little bit and give you an idea of how we make immediate assessments.
These are been somewhat hardwired into us since we've been using them since birth. So when we meet someone for the first time, our brains begin to instantly process information that you may or may not be aware of what we see, what we hear, what we feel and in order to help you understand. And remember this process, there's an acronym that's called G G N E in a first meeting. Here's what we'd initially notice about someone in this order.
We noticed that person's gender. It's not because of how they're dressed. It's because we're biological critters and come in two versions. So the first thing we notice is what version the other person is generation or age, or they children are they of reproductive age? Or are they older? Are they wise? Are they independent in nationality or ethnicity? Basically, what color, what type of person they are next is educational level.
As we talked to them, or as we see how they're dressed, we'll draw some conclusions about their educational level, which is sort of socioeconomic. Next is emotions after taking in and processing these other details. Then we sort of fantasize about their emotions. What do they seem to be feeling? How do they seem to act? What kind of person might they be in situation X? So it's important to understand how you make these quick generalizations, maybe establish a pattern.
If you can be critical of yourself and how you judge people, you can use these, this acronym of GG N E to assess if your prejudice in some ways, or if your, if your criticisms of others are accurate or you can see if there's any work you need to do on yourself. One good exercise is to look in the mirror and apply these generalizations to yourself.
See how honest they are. That would be the defensive posture on the offensive posture. It would really help you identify what kind of person you're talking to by listening to what they say and applying this acronym to how they're interacting with you. Does that kind of make sense? If you can identify how they're judging you and you can identify their thought patterns, that would be the offensive posture.
Okay. The next key point, people who are masterful at connecting with others, manage their inner state and focus on the other person. So they don't bring any personal, an easiness into their interaction. A good way to think about this and apply this technique to your relationships and conversations is to understand you've got to control your own in congruence, nervousness, or feelings of insecurity.
That's not about other people. That's about you on the inside, right? It's kind of like, have you ever had an encounter with a dog and you were a little bit scared and the dog can sense that, so the dog barks at you, or you might nip at your heels. Well, the same is true of us. If you are insecure, if you're nervous or if you're unsure of yourself, that those particular feelings manifest themselves in connections to others.
And the other person may not know exactly what it is about you, but they can feel that in congruence, they can feel that nervousness. And it makes them feel nervous. It makes them feel insecure because they don't know if there's something wrong with them, or if it's just you, but there's this, this aura of uneasiness between you when you feel that way. So it's important to know that when you're going into a crucial conversation, or if you want to better a relationship that you have things straightened out inside of you before you try to make that connection with them, it's a way of making someone feel safe.
And it also makes you more interesting to the other person, right? When you can come from a place where a place of non-judgment or a place of playfulness, you're going to make that other person feel like they want to be around you. They're going to want to connect with you. One way to do this, I have found is that people often Telegraph things about themselves that they want to talk about.
If you see someone wearing a, like a Nirvana shirt or a pair of new Nike's, or, you know, people often Telegraph things that they enjoy. And when you're in that conversation with them, you could, if someone's wearing a young ladies wearing a nice pink ribbon with, you know, be dazzled diamonds on it or something know you can make a comment on that.
That person obviously spent a lot of time preparing that particular article of clothing. And when you compliment them on that, it shows a connection. It shows you're paying attention to something that they're trying to get attention for. Thus, you're validating their motives. You're validating something that they thought would work. It's a great way to start a conversation is by validating someone's obvious technique to get noticed both a defensive on an offensive posture.
You could on a defensive posture. You know, if you want to make that deep connection, then you could talk to them about the things that they're telegraphing on an offensive posture. You know, sometimes people will invalidate that thing. So they would make a negative comment about the shirt you're wearing, or they would make a negative comment about the bow, or they would make a negative comment about the pair of shoes. No, they know you put time into making yourself look a certain way.
And then they would say something negative about that. To invalidate that, to try to bring about negative feelings in you. There's a lot of people that do that and she'll watch out for those people. That's a warning sign. Be careful. Okay. The next key point, focus on them, not you. This is going to want to try to give you a few examples of how to create a sense of being felt.
A key element of safety and acceptance is felt.
Speaker 1 (38m 36s): And to do that, you want to shift your focus from you to them. It's think about eye contact for a minute on a related story. I believe that COVID-19 with everyone wearing masks, it's forcing everyone to have better eye contact. And I'm hopeful that that is going to be something that when we come out of this is going to be a positive change in our society. Have you thought about that right now? When you, when you have interactions with people, if you go outside and everyone's wearing a mask, you really have to focus on their eyes because you're missing all the facial cues.
And all you have is the eyes. I've really noticed a lot of beauty and a deeper connection. When I talk to people, just because of those masks, kind of interesting to jump back on point, though, if you want to help someone feel seen, you need to make eye contact with them. I want to give you a few experiments and a few tools you can play around with to see how it makes you feel and how it makes other people feel.
Think of a gaze, A little bit of a pause, like a, it can mean a couple different things. So the first experiment is going to be in a conversation with someone, make sure you give them solid eye contact. And when they say something to you while maintaining eye contact, count to seven in your mind, thousand 1000, two thousand three thousand four thousand five thousand six thousand seven, all the while maintaining eye contact, don't break eye contact, give yourself seven seconds.
When that person says something to you, that's seven second pause with eye contact nine out of 10 times, the person will say something else to you within those seven seconds, because you're making them feel uncomfortable. We're not used to giving that silent pause with that direct eye contact. It makes people feel uncomfortable most of the time, and it can be something that is both defensive and offensive.
Someone is attacking you and you just do that silent pause with the long engaging eye contact is going to stop them in their tracks on an offensive posture. When you're the person in the asking the questions, or if you're the person who is leading the conversation, when that person says something to you, you would just do the exact same exercise, but it again, puts them on the, on the defense.
It's a very interesting experiment to try and everyone should do. So. Another experiments you want to try is if you go over, go to a store or restaurant, or even with a loved one, if they do something nice for you, make eye contact and say, thank you. It really means a lot to me, but don't break eye contact. When you say it, when you say it and mean it and mean it with your eyes, say it with your eyes and say it with your voice, but maintain that eye contact and watch a slight smile.
Or if you're going to give someone a compliment real quick tip, by the way, don't just ever say, you're great, or you're nice. If you're going to give someone a compliment, take time to really notice something. They did different. Take time to know what that person does or is doing that is different than other people. And then comment on that. And on top of that, make sure you give them solid eye contact. I think you'll see a small little turning up of the mouth and a slight smile.
A Matt is the kind of eye contact that is the kind of communication is going to build rapport and make people feel safe and make people feel felt so there's two experiments you can do there, Play with them, test them out and know that eye contact is really important. Next key point to get in rapport, people subtly mirror the person they're interacting with sometimes matching their body language rate of speech or breathing amongst other things.
However, being careful not to mimic the other person you don't mirroring is if you and I are sitting down at a desk and we're having a conversation, and I noticed that you take your right hand and you lift it up and you kind of touch your nose a little bit. Well, as we're going through that conversation somewhere shortly after you brought your hand up and touch your nose, I would bring up my hand and maybe scratch my ear. I would use the same words if we're having a conversation.
And I noticed that you had said the word apparently three times in our 10 minute conversation, I will try to work that word in somewhere in the conversation as well. So it's a very subtle way of using the same techniques that someone else is using. And what that does is that builds rapport with the other person, because on an, on an unconscious level, it tells that person, Hey, this person is just like, meet this person is speaking my language.
This person is doing what I am doing. However, if you don't want to be obvious about it, because then it seems like you're mocking that person. It's a fine line. And it's very, we've talked
Speaker 0 (44m 32s): About being settled in the past, like a light rain that saturates the ground. So does a subtle move or the perfect placement of a similar word influenced the other person's decision. Making rapport is something that is a foundation stone in neural linguistic programming. Rapport is something that the most effective communicators have mastered.
And it comes from being subtle. Another great way to build rapport is in a conversation, be an active listener, be someone who cares about what the other person is saying. So often in conversations, we spend so much time thinking about what we're going to say. Instead of listening to the other person. It's interesting to me, I've had a lot of people tell me, wow, I really enjoy having a conversation with you, George.
And a lot of those conversations that people told me, they really enjoy are just them talking. It's just me listening to them and reflecting back to them. Some of the things they say, for instance, they can tell me about a problem they may have had at work and I'll listen. And they they'll go into depth about the detail at work and why they feel that way. And if you just reflect it back to them all, really.
So whatever happened with that situation or, wow, that sounds pretty tough. What did you do? You know, it's kind of like a gentle prodding to push them further and very little is done on the active listeners part, but that person is conversating with you telling the story. They really feel like you're engaging. They really feel like you're listening. And they're very thankful. It's one of the best ways to possibly build rapport. And it's really powerful.
All right. Last key point, you guys hanging in there. It's the last one for today and it's a pretty good one. So this last one for the day is going to be how to kind of deescalate a difficult situation, cooling someone off. It can be easy. You know, it's a slippery slope. You don't want to make the wrong move and escalate the situation. And all of us have found ourselves in a situation where someone's probably having a bad day.
Maybe they got in a fight with a spouse or a coworker, or something's going wrong in their life. And you just happen to be the person whom is going to take the blame for all that. So a good way to deescalate it is I'm going to give you a five point kind of a checklist here of, of options you can do. Number one is confirm the emotion. For example, I've got this feeling that your angry or upset or sad is that true.
See, by asking that question, you're affirming that emotion. You're acknowledging that they're upset and you're giving them permission to be upset and ask why they're upset. Number two, gauge how big this is for them and allow them to vent to get it all out. How upset are you?
Speaker 2 (48m 6s): Or the reason you're so upset is because misery determine what they need to move forward,
Speaker 0 (48m 16s): Allowing them to go inside and find out what
Speaker 2 (48m 19s): They want, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better, identify what they'd like you to do. What part can I play in making that happen? Explore what steps they need to take to feel better. What part can you play in making that happen?
Speaker 0 (48m 47s): Another one I'd like to throw in there is have you given up on solving this amicably?
Speaker 2 (48m 56s): Well, my friends that is,
Speaker 0 (48m 60s): Is the chapter on making comfortable connection.
Speaker 2 (49m 2s): That is the chapter on tactical empathy that my friends is indeed the end to NLP. Number five, you made it, you made it so proud of you guys. So proud of you for spinning a little bit of time with me. You know, I have been using these techniques
Speaker 0 (49m 23s): To really help out my life. And I'm hopeful that they're helping out your life, something fun you can do to better understand how you fit into this world and how you fit in with other people. And it's incredibly empowering to help other people fit in.
Speaker 2 (49m 39s): That's what we've got for today. Thank you for being
Speaker 0 (49m 43s): Here. I love you guys Aloha.
Video: https://youtu.be/mv2Pw9ZurAI
Transcript:
https://app.podscribe.ai/episode/50192980
Speaker 0 (0s): Well, well, well look, who's back. You guys came back, you know, they, they say, if you love something, you should set it free. And if it comes back to you, it was meant to be, I guess this is meant to be my friends. You know, we're going to do today. We're going to do a little in LP. Number five in L P number five, neuro linguistic programming NLP.
I am hopeful that you had a beautiful morning. I'm hopeful, something beautiful happened to you. I'm hopeful that you will find some beauty in the words we are about to get into. I'm hopeful that you will find a lesson buried in the testimony of this lecture. Do you guys have a good weekend? Do you have a good day? Good morning. I hope so. I want to start off with a quick story about something I did this weekend.
That was incredibly unexpected. It's not so much. The event I did was unexpected. It was more about what I saw during the event. So here in Hawaii, we are on lockdown. Like the majority of the places. However, there are some things you can do. One of the things you can do is you can go to the beach. However, you can not sit on the beach. That means you can do an activity in the water.
You'd go surf, wind surf, boating, swimming, snorkeling. I chose to take my beautiful daughter to do some snorkeling at one of the local beaches. It was a beautiful day. I'm always hopeful when we go snorkeling that we're first off going to see fish. Second off that we will see different kinds of fish.
Lastly, I'm hopeful. We will see something that we've never seen before. This was one of those trips, parked the truck, put our gear in the bag, walked down to the beach, put on our snorkels, grab the fins, dive into the water. I'm sure most of you can close your eyes and imagine what the water in Hawaii looks like.
Speaker 1 (3m 0s): Think of any tropical area. And it's this crystal blue water. Some spots are more green than others. And there is a reflection of Silver streaks that run the length of the water. Almost like liquid lightning penetrating through the depths of the ocean as my daughter and I are swimming.
We're making our way out towards some of the reef. And there's lots of colorful fish, Yellow and black, and some spotted orange fish, big ones, small ones, round ones, polka dotted ones. And as we're swimming, when you dive down somewhat, or when you're, at least your ears are below the waterline, it's almost like you're in an alien universe.
You're seeing the landscape that you don't normally see. It's foreign. It's almost alien hope I'm doing a good job of describing this. Cause what I see, what I saw next was mind blowing. So we're making our way through the water. And we come upon a, a rather large rift between two parts of the reef.
The part we are swimming in on the reef is 15 to 20 feet. And then as you swim a little further, it drops down to like 30 feet and it's kind of black. You can't really see the bottom. It's like a, a little think of a small Canyon where you're on top of the water. And you're looking down into the depths of the Canyon. And as we're swimming, I looked to the right and I, I see a figure and it's, I know that there's other snorkelers out there.
However, as I look to the right, I see what appears to be a woman swimming up from the depths of the Canyon. And as I focus in, I realized that it is a woman and it's almost like she just appeared from the depths of this Canyon. And I, I totally attendant my total attention is upon her. And as I, I see her swimming up, I noticed that she's swimming towards a man who is swimming down.
The woman is 15 to 20 feet down and she is swimming up and she has no snorkel. She has no fins. She's in this white garb. She looks like a, a manifestation of a princess of a underwater kingdom. And while this happened quickly, it seemed like it happened.
It was seemed like it was in slow motion. So I'm watching this woman with long flowing hair in this white semi dress swim up and she's meeting. And as I see her swimming up, she reaches out and embraces this man who is swimming down and they class pans and they're drawn together and they kiss each other.
Speaker 3 (6m 49s): It was
Speaker 1 (6m 51s): Mindblowing. As I replay the scene in my mind, it seems like something out of a movie.
Speaker 3 (7m 2s): And
Speaker 1 (7m 4s): So I, well, I had a camera like I have it on camera. I I'll, I'll put a link in the, I'll put a link in the show notes. You guys should all check it out. It's fascinating. And so I, I bring my camera over and I got the majority of it on camera. And then I, I come up, my daughter and I both swim somewhat to the top. We were somewhat on the surface cause we were snorkeling. And then I noticed the two, the couple come up out of the water and I immediately pull off, rip off my snorkel, my glasses I'm like, that is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
You should have someone take a picture of that. And as I'm saying that, I realize that they did have someone taken a picture of it behind in the Canyon. There was a scuba diver and he was filming them, take that scene. And then I realized this was a couple, maybe getting their wedding photos, but it was such a mind blowing picture.
I was, it was mesmerizing. I hope I did a good job explaining that. I hope you take a moment to go into the notes and watch it. Cause it is magnificent. So yeah, that was my beginning story of my weekend. I hope you enjoyed that one there. You're probably thinking, yeah, this is supposed to be neuro linguistic programming. George, not the S not the whole, Hey, listen to my weekend. Who liquid? I did. Sorry about that.
I hope you found it enjoyable. I know I did. And it was awesome. So if you ever, if you're getting ready to get married or if you want a cool, you should think about doing that scene. Awesome. Okay. Let us begin on the Proverbs thought and action thinking everyone who succeeds must first dream. So remember that your head is not just there for a hat and that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail at the very least, don't go out of your depth before you can swim.
Because if you know the road, you can ride full trot. And if you can't then ask those coming back for the best way forward it person in a hurry, arrives late or as slow and steady wins the race. So first catch your hair because once you know how to know and to act are the same, that's why practice makes perfect and repetition is the mother of memory. And also why a pleasant thought never comes too soon.
So be aware that a tree only moves if there's wind and a watched pot, never boils, which is why you don't call a dog with a whip in your hand. And a big goat does not sneeze without a reason. Deciding some say that the world is conquered with words, not swords though. This is easier said than done for fine words. Don't put porridge in the pot.
Of course thought is free. And anything that releases you from a dilemma is useful, but remember, that's easier to think than to act and you don't get anywhere by running in your mind. Nevertheless, the mind is powerful work doesn't kill, but worry does. And if you think something impossible, it will be just as if the heart is unwilling. It will make a thousand excuses.
That's why, where there's a will. There's a way. And what isn't can yet be done for you already have all, you need to become great above all, always try to do onto others as you would have them do unto you and never say never of course, smooth hands love the labor of others. And the coward will always say, when in doubt, don't for no choice is also a choice, but even if the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Generally elbow grease is the best Polish action. A Rocky field demands a pickaxe, not a prayer. So never put off tomorrow. What you can do today. And even if the eyes fear, the hands will do the work. Of course, Lee said soon as men did and actions speak louder than words. So it's mostly better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightening in the hand for when you grasp a nettle, like a lad of metal, as soft as silk, it will remain in the same spirit, put your best foot forward aim to be the master of your will and the slave of your conscious.
And if your destiny doesn't fit, then fit yourself to your destiny. All actions have reactions. So practice what you preach. And remember that if brag is a good dog, hold fast is better above all act, honestly, and speak boldly, tread gently on the ground and leave it as found. If you're in a hole, stop digging. That is such good advice. I really like those hope you guys do as well.
All right, my friends let's go ahead and jump right in here to the next NLP. I think we shall call this. I kind of like tactical empathy, kind of like that, but we might go with something a little bit more conventional Navy. You know what? Let's just do tactical empathy. Why not? I like it sounds nice.
That was a term originally created by Chris Voss in the book. Never split the difference. Great book, by the way, this chapter is going to be about making connections with yourself and others. The ramifications of that, some techniques to do it, it'd be a story or two we're going to get into the key points is always, we're going to define them and use them in a offensive posture, in a defensive posture let's get started.
So what is making comfortable connections? What is tactical empathy? Well in this era of every evolving technology experts say, we communicate more than ever before because we can so easily connect to information to other people and to places all over the world. Others say that these instantaneous fleeting touches don't really satisfy our need for human connection. And some educators and business leaders fear that our reliance on electronic technologies will limit our ability to communicate and connect in face to face situations.
No, I heard a story once that was a religious figure and he was speaking to a group and he said something that was really interesting. What he said is that there's more people on the planet today than there's ever been the ability via the internet to reach out and touch or contact, or have a conversation with people all around you is almost limitless.
However, the number one thing plaguing, the number one mental illness plaguing our society today is loneliness. Interesting to think about, right? Key idea. Number one, we all process experience in a similar way. Yeah, because our experiences are different. We create different inner worlds, different maps of how the world works.
I was thinking of a good way to truly explain this to you. And I think we can do it with a passage from Ecclesiastes to CS. So I'm going to read it to you. And as I read it to you, I want you to think if you've had one of these times, if you are currently in one of these times and how you move between these times a time for everything, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven, it time to be born and a time to die, time to plant and a time to uproot a time to kill and a time to heal a time to tear down and a time to build a time to weep a time to laugh at time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them a time to embrace and a time to refrain a time to search and a time to give up a time to keep and a time to throw away a time to tear and a time to mend a time to be silent and a time to speak a time to love and a time to hate a time for war and a time for peace.
I want you to think of that as your map, as you go through life, you will be in all of those times. You'll spend more in some time, some of those times and other times everyone's going to be a little different. However, if you're aware of where you are, if you look at that particular poem, as a map, you can see where you are in your own emotions. And if you get really good, you can see how you move between those emotions.
And you can probably establish a pattern. Maybe you go from a time to tear down to a time to speak, or maybe you go from a time to love to a time to dance a time to refrain. If you pay attention, you'll be able to find your pattern. And once you do that, you'll be better able to understand your thought patterns. That will be the actual defensive posture is understanding the map that you have.
It's going to help you connect to yourself. Once you can do that, you can connect better to other people and authentic pattern would be to know how you move between those patterns and apply that to other people. Once you notice how you, what time you're in and how you move between those times, you can help other people maybe move through when they're perhaps, you know, someone you love who is in a time to tear down or they're in a time to weep.
You can remember what it was that allowed you to move from a time to weep, to a time to laugh, or from a time to tear down to a time to build. That would be the offensive posture. Next key point, being the way each of us is, is a choice. We can always choose to rewire ourselves, strengthening a quality we already have or modeling one from someone who has a quality we admire.
And if we don't like a change we made, we can change it again and make it better.
Speaker 3 (19m 48s): It's important to note that
Speaker 1 (19m 51s): At times we're overwhelmed by emotions, but you can choose to embrace and stay in that emotion where you can choose to embrace that emotion for a moment and move on.
Speaker 3 (20m 7s): Just knowing
Speaker 1 (20m 10s): That what emotion you're feeling is a choice, knowing that you're in control of your emotions, that's going to help you have a better relationship with yourself. A better connection with yourself. A good way to think of this gin, Yourself as a King or a queen. And you're sitting in your throne room. And as you're sitting in your throne, there's a long line of people, a long line of the people who were your people that you govern your citizens.
And this line is wrapped all the way out, your beautiful throne room on your red carpet, all the way out the door. And each person is waiting to speak to you. Do you have that envisioned? So you're sitting there and your grant and your gown or your, your King's robe. And there's this long line of subjects waiting just to get your attention and talk to you. Okay? And that particular metaphor you, the King or the queen are the decider.
And all those people lined up are your thoughts. And they're jumping up and down and waving their arms like, Hey, look at me. Hey, pay attention to me. I'm over here. I'm over here. And your job as the King, the queen or the decider is to bring them up one by one, give them a big hug. Think about it for a second, and then send them on their way. Give them a little bit of attention and then send them on their way. You don't need to embrace all of them for a long period of time.
You just need to embrace them for a moment Aside, whether this is something you're going to spend a lot of time with, or a little bit of time with you decide what thoughts you let in. You decide which ones to embrace. It's your choice. That is how your, you can always choose to rewire yourself by choosing which thoughts to embrace by choosing which person you're going to allow in to the realm of the decider.
That is the defensive posture. The offensive posture is knowing that the decision other people make as a choice. This is a relatively easy one on offense. All you really have to do is in a conversation with someone else who's feeling bad or feeling upset or feeling poorly about themselves. All you really have to do is explain to them, listen, this is a choice. You don't have to feel that way.
You're choosing what you focus on is what you feel. And right now you're focusing on these negative things that you're going to feel negative. One way to snap people out of that on the offense is just ask, is that true? Is that true? What would it, what would have to happen for that to be true? And you can usually get people to understand that they're making a choice to feel the way they feel, and that's usually enough to snap them out. So that would be the offensive posture.
Next key point, getting feedback from other people about what they'd like us to keep doing, stop doing, and start doing, offers us helpful insights that may enable us to improve our interactions and relationships. This is a critical one, and it can be difficult. It's difficult to hear the truth about yourself sometimes,
Speaker 3 (24m 11s): But it's imperative to do so.
Speaker 1 (24m 15s): If you have someone that you truly care about in your life, you should truly care about their opinion of you. And if they truly care about you, they'll give you an honest opinion and you can work on that honest opinion. It'll make you a better person on the defensive posture, talking to someone whom you love and getting an honest opinion of where you're at, what you're doing, that people like, what you're doing, that people don't like. It gives you an honest idea of where you're at in your relationship on a defensive posture.
If you can find out what it is that some people like about you and what some people don't like about, you you'll know how to better apply those two situations to conversations you're having with that person. Now it'd be the offensive posture. All right, next key point, shifting between the three perceptual positions as appropriate can increase one's effectiveness, it's best practice to operate from first position.
So we know what we see and feel. Then we can briefly visit second position to try on something from someone else's point of view or go to third position to get more complete and objective information. So I'd like to just briefly go over what each one of those positions are. The first position. First position is where you're in your own body. You see everything through your eyes and you know exactly how you feel, you know, what you want.
And that's a position of great authenticity. It can also be a kind of infantile position after all. It's the perceptual position we had when we were babies, right? At that point, we really knew what we wanted. I'm hungry, I'm cold, I'm wet. That's all we knew then. And we yelled until we got it addressed. You probably know some adults who still operate like this. When people get stuck in first position, we described them as narcissistic or immature in NLP.
Some people also refer to this position as self. The second position. Second is that position where you're very in tune to the other person. You feel someone else's pain. If you're in second position, you might get someone, a glass of water before they even know they're thirsty. It's a position of great solicitation and understanding of others. When we go too far with second position, we tend to be overdependent.
And that's often referred to as codependency in NLP. Some people refer to this position as the other, just think about like an overwhelming feeling of empathy, almost to a fault, actually thinking from that persons not only point of view, but as if you were the other person, third position in NLP, the third position is often called the observer position.
That's when you're outside a situation and you just sort of record what's happening. You see what's going on, completely separate from yourself. Like an objective reporter might, it's a position where you can evaluate yourself and options. Scientists, for instance, frequently operate from third position as do surgeons, engineers, and professional performers. People who work in these professions benefit from stepping outside themselves to judge what's going on.
And because there's not a lot of emotion in third position, they can effectively determine what's working. And what changes might be helpful. There is a drawback though, if someone gets stuck in third position, they're sort of habitually detached and people feel like they can't ever really connect with them. Again, the goal is to take advantage of these different options. So you want to try and run through all three of these positions.
This is going to be the defensive posture. When you find yourself in a critical situation, obviously the first thing you're probably going to think from his first position, how you feel. And then secondly, try and be trained. Use a little bit of empathy act as if you were thinking from the other position person's position, which is positioned to, and that'll give you some insight into what you can do to react to that person, how they're feeling, however, before making your final decision, try to go to third position and look at it from an objective outside.
If you can quickly run through first, second and third position, whenever making a critical decision, you're going to be able to better solve problems and have a better understanding of the actual situation.
Speaker 0 (29m 39s): This particular key point is when you're really going to want to work on, and you're going to find strengths and weaknesses for the offensive position and the defensive position in first person, second person in third person views. It's gonna affect each one a little bit differently, depending on the situation you're in. And it's going to take a little bit of experimentation to find out how you best use those positions. So I'll leave it to you to do some experimentation and find out what's best for you on offense and defense for this particular key point.
All right, next key point, brain generalizations or filters. Our initial impressions are gathered in a process called G G N E E. And this is, this is what we immediately notice. Someone's gender generation, nationality, educational level, and emotions. So that's a quickly go through those a little bit and give you an idea of how we make immediate assessments.
These are been somewhat hardwired into us since we've been using them since birth. So when we meet someone for the first time, our brains begin to instantly process information that you may or may not be aware of what we see, what we hear, what we feel and in order to help you understand. And remember this process, there's an acronym that's called G G N E in a first meeting. Here's what we'd initially notice about someone in this order.
We noticed that person's gender. It's not because of how they're dressed. It's because we're biological critters and come in two versions. So the first thing we notice is what version the other person is generation or age, or they children are they of reproductive age? Or are they older? Are they wise? Are they independent in nationality or ethnicity? Basically, what color, what type of person they are next is educational level.
As we talked to them, or as we see how they're dressed, we'll draw some conclusions about their educational level, which is sort of socioeconomic. Next is emotions after taking in and processing these other details. Then we sort of fantasize about their emotions. What do they seem to be feeling? How do they seem to act? What kind of person might they be in situation X? So it's important to understand how you make these quick generalizations, maybe establish a pattern.
If you can be critical of yourself and how you judge people, you can use these, this acronym of GG N E to assess if your prejudice in some ways, or if your, if your criticisms of others are accurate or you can see if there's any work you need to do on yourself. One good exercise is to look in the mirror and apply these generalizations to yourself.
See how honest they are. That would be the defensive posture on the offensive posture. It would really help you identify what kind of person you're talking to by listening to what they say and applying this acronym to how they're interacting with you. Does that kind of make sense? If you can identify how they're judging you and you can identify their thought patterns, that would be the offensive posture.
Okay. The next key point, people who are masterful at connecting with others, manage their inner state and focus on the other person. So they don't bring any personal, an easiness into their interaction. A good way to think about this and apply this technique to your relationships and conversations is to understand you've got to control your own in congruence, nervousness, or feelings of insecurity.
That's not about other people. That's about you on the inside, right? It's kind of like, have you ever had an encounter with a dog and you were a little bit scared and the dog can sense that, so the dog barks at you, or you might nip at your heels. Well, the same is true of us. If you are insecure, if you're nervous or if you're unsure of yourself, that those particular feelings manifest themselves in connections to others.
And the other person may not know exactly what it is about you, but they can feel that in congruence, they can feel that nervousness. And it makes them feel nervous. It makes them feel insecure because they don't know if there's something wrong with them, or if it's just you, but there's this, this aura of uneasiness between you when you feel that way. So it's important to know that when you're going into a crucial conversation, or if you want to better a relationship that you have things straightened out inside of you before you try to make that connection with them, it's a way of making someone feel safe.
And it also makes you more interesting to the other person, right? When you can come from a place where a place of non-judgment or a place of playfulness, you're going to make that other person feel like they want to be around you. They're going to want to connect with you. One way to do this, I have found is that people often Telegraph things about themselves that they want to talk about.
If you see someone wearing a, like a Nirvana shirt or a pair of new Nike's, or, you know, people often Telegraph things that they enjoy. And when you're in that conversation with them, you could, if someone's wearing a young ladies wearing a nice pink ribbon with, you know, be dazzled diamonds on it or something know you can make a comment on that.
That person obviously spent a lot of time preparing that particular article of clothing. And when you compliment them on that, it shows a connection. It shows you're paying attention to something that they're trying to get attention for. Thus, you're validating their motives. You're validating something that they thought would work. It's a great way to start a conversation is by validating someone's obvious technique to get noticed both a defensive on an offensive posture.
You could on a defensive posture. You know, if you want to make that deep connection, then you could talk to them about the things that they're telegraphing on an offensive posture. You know, sometimes people will invalidate that thing. So they would make a negative comment about the shirt you're wearing, or they would make a negative comment about the bow, or they would make a negative comment about the pair of shoes. No, they know you put time into making yourself look a certain way.
And then they would say something negative about that. To invalidate that, to try to bring about negative feelings in you. There's a lot of people that do that and she'll watch out for those people. That's a warning sign. Be careful. Okay. The next key point, focus on them, not you. This is going to want to try to give you a few examples of how to create a sense of being felt.
A key element of safety and acceptance is felt.
Speaker 1 (38m 36s): And to do that, you want to shift your focus from you to them. It's think about eye contact for a minute on a related story. I believe that COVID-19 with everyone wearing masks, it's forcing everyone to have better eye contact. And I'm hopeful that that is going to be something that when we come out of this is going to be a positive change in our society. Have you thought about that right now? When you, when you have interactions with people, if you go outside and everyone's wearing a mask, you really have to focus on their eyes because you're missing all the facial cues.
And all you have is the eyes. I've really noticed a lot of beauty and a deeper connection. When I talk to people, just because of those masks, kind of interesting to jump back on point, though, if you want to help someone feel seen, you need to make eye contact with them. I want to give you a few experiments and a few tools you can play around with to see how it makes you feel and how it makes other people feel.
Think of a gaze, A little bit of a pause, like a, it can mean a couple different things. So the first experiment is going to be in a conversation with someone, make sure you give them solid eye contact. And when they say something to you while maintaining eye contact, count to seven in your mind, thousand 1000, two thousand three thousand four thousand five thousand six thousand seven, all the while maintaining eye contact, don't break eye contact, give yourself seven seconds.
When that person says something to you, that's seven second pause with eye contact nine out of 10 times, the person will say something else to you within those seven seconds, because you're making them feel uncomfortable. We're not used to giving that silent pause with that direct eye contact. It makes people feel uncomfortable most of the time, and it can be something that is both defensive and offensive.
Someone is attacking you and you just do that silent pause with the long engaging eye contact is going to stop them in their tracks on an offensive posture. When you're the person in the asking the questions, or if you're the person who is leading the conversation, when that person says something to you, you would just do the exact same exercise, but it again, puts them on the, on the defense.
It's a very interesting experiment to try and everyone should do. So. Another experiments you want to try is if you go over, go to a store or restaurant, or even with a loved one, if they do something nice for you, make eye contact and say, thank you. It really means a lot to me, but don't break eye contact. When you say it, when you say it and mean it and mean it with your eyes, say it with your eyes and say it with your voice, but maintain that eye contact and watch a slight smile.
Or if you're going to give someone a compliment real quick tip, by the way, don't just ever say, you're great, or you're nice. If you're going to give someone a compliment, take time to really notice something. They did different. Take time to know what that person does or is doing that is different than other people. And then comment on that. And on top of that, make sure you give them solid eye contact. I think you'll see a small little turning up of the mouth and a slight smile.
A Matt is the kind of eye contact that is the kind of communication is going to build rapport and make people feel safe and make people feel felt so there's two experiments you can do there, Play with them, test them out and know that eye contact is really important. Next key point to get in rapport, people subtly mirror the person they're interacting with sometimes matching their body language rate of speech or breathing amongst other things.
However, being careful not to mimic the other person you don't mirroring is if you and I are sitting down at a desk and we're having a conversation, and I noticed that you take your right hand and you lift it up and you kind of touch your nose a little bit. Well, as we're going through that conversation somewhere shortly after you brought your hand up and touch your nose, I would bring up my hand and maybe scratch my ear. I would use the same words if we're having a conversation.
And I noticed that you had said the word apparently three times in our 10 minute conversation, I will try to work that word in somewhere in the conversation as well. So it's a very subtle way of using the same techniques that someone else is using. And what that does is that builds rapport with the other person, because on an, on an unconscious level, it tells that person, Hey, this person is just like, meet this person is speaking my language.
This person is doing what I am doing. However, if you don't want to be obvious about it, because then it seems like you're mocking that person. It's a fine line. And it's very, we've talked
Speaker 0 (44m 32s): About being settled in the past, like a light rain that saturates the ground. So does a subtle move or the perfect placement of a similar word influenced the other person's decision. Making rapport is something that is a foundation stone in neural linguistic programming. Rapport is something that the most effective communicators have mastered.
And it comes from being subtle. Another great way to build rapport is in a conversation, be an active listener, be someone who cares about what the other person is saying. So often in conversations, we spend so much time thinking about what we're going to say. Instead of listening to the other person. It's interesting to me, I've had a lot of people tell me, wow, I really enjoy having a conversation with you, George.
And a lot of those conversations that people told me, they really enjoy are just them talking. It's just me listening to them and reflecting back to them. Some of the things they say, for instance, they can tell me about a problem they may have had at work and I'll listen. And they they'll go into depth about the detail at work and why they feel that way. And if you just reflect it back to them all, really.
So whatever happened with that situation or, wow, that sounds pretty tough. What did you do? You know, it's kind of like a gentle prodding to push them further and very little is done on the active listeners part, but that person is conversating with you telling the story. They really feel like you're engaging. They really feel like you're listening. And they're very thankful. It's one of the best ways to possibly build rapport. And it's really powerful.
All right. Last key point, you guys hanging in there. It's the last one for today and it's a pretty good one. So this last one for the day is going to be how to kind of deescalate a difficult situation, cooling someone off. It can be easy. You know, it's a slippery slope. You don't want to make the wrong move and escalate the situation. And all of us have found ourselves in a situation where someone's probably having a bad day.
Maybe they got in a fight with a spouse or a coworker, or something's going wrong in their life. And you just happen to be the person whom is going to take the blame for all that. So a good way to deescalate it is I'm going to give you a five point kind of a checklist here of, of options you can do. Number one is confirm the emotion. For example, I've got this feeling that your angry or upset or sad is that true.
See, by asking that question, you're affirming that emotion. You're acknowledging that they're upset and you're giving them permission to be upset and ask why they're upset. Number two, gauge how big this is for them and allow them to vent to get it all out. How upset are you?
Speaker 2 (48m 6s): Or the reason you're so upset is because misery determine what they need to move forward,
Speaker 0 (48m 16s): Allowing them to go inside and find out what
Speaker 2 (48m 19s): They want, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better, identify what they'd like you to do. What part can I play in making that happen? Explore what steps they need to take to feel better. What part can you play in making that happen?
Speaker 0 (48m 47s): Another one I'd like to throw in there is have you given up on solving this amicably?
Speaker 2 (48m 56s): Well, my friends that is,
Speaker 0 (48m 60s): Is the chapter on making comfortable connection.
Speaker 2 (49m 2s): That is the chapter on tactical empathy that my friends is indeed the end to NLP. Number five, you made it, you made it so proud of you guys. So proud of you for spinning a little bit of time with me. You know, I have been using these techniques
Speaker 0 (49m 23s): To really help out my life. And I'm hopeful that they're helping out your life, something fun you can do to better understand how you fit into this world and how you fit in with other people. And it's incredibly empowering to help other people fit in.
Speaker 2 (49m 39s): That's what we've got for today. Thank you for being
Speaker 0 (49m 43s): Here. I love you guys Aloha.
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